It’s not the best image I have, but it’ll do. The spinal MRI and CT produced better pictures but I wasn’t offered copies of those. As I was finishing the first MRI they told me I could get a copy of the scan and I was like “cool!” – what an idiot I am. I wonder if they knew they were handing me photos of my tumor, they must have right? Probably why my doctor called as I’m driving back from the appointment.
Anyway, I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure that black smudge towards the back of my brain is not supposed to be there. I don’t have more info since my last post but thought people would be curious what “it” looks like, I know I am. I imagine it’s hairy with small, unformed teeth.
I haven’t looked up the emotional stages of finding out you have a tumor but I bet it goes something like disbelief, anger, disbelief, sadness, acceptance. I never got angry, not sure why. It pisses me off when people tailgate, or when people bring their whole families to Costco and leave their cart blocking an entire aisle, but for some reason the tumor doesn’t make me angry. Maybe it’s because I get a headache any time I scream. That home Seahawks game against the 49ers? Yep, headache the entire game.
My acceptance has come with humor. Seeing as how the MRI makes me look like a Terminator, it brings back another memory of Arnold saying “it’s not a tumor!” I’m not sure if it’s less funny or funnier now when I say it – I’m going with funnier.
Other funny things going through my head… the doc has been testing my hearing, vision, all sorts of things and it’s made me wonder how much I’ve been held back by this thing. Could I have supersonic hearing? Can my catlike reflexes be even faster? They’re going to shoot me up with radiation after the surgery – xrays, gamma rays. Is it weird I’m hoping I turn into the green hulk?
***
I have this recurring nightmare a few times every year. I’m back at Stanford in my final quarter and I’m worried about failing a class. Sometimes it’s a paper I didn’t write or a test I didn’t study for. Right when I wake up I feel this dread of “oh no, what am I going to do?” And then a few seconds pass and this intense relief floods me as I realize I’ve already graduated and tests are a distant memory. The tumor is like that nightmare without the relief.
Ronnie Castro 
Your humor is a true inspiration.
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Hey Ronnie,
Thanks for sharing all these details. I’m so happy that you finally got some good news. In a weird way your post really made me laugh. I’m glad that you’re in such good spirits and I hope you continue to get nothing but good news!
Mike
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Ronnie – glad to see you keeping up the humor. I appreciate seeing these updates and am rooting for you. Scott
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Haha…you’re a funny man! You make me feel those pesky lil troubles I’m facing every day are laughable at best.
Keep these posts coming…
I know I’m continuing to follow your journey. I’m excited to know what it looks like from the top!
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Hi Ronnie,
I cannot imagine they actually shared that scan with you. Intense Image. It’s inspiring to see such brilliant humour come from you as you are handling all of this.
Keep it up!!
You and Kelsey and the kids are on my mind constantly. Lots of positive healing energy from Ireland!!!
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Hi. We’ve never met. I only found your posts through a “like” by a not-very-close friend of mine on Facebook who is “friends” with your wife. I read a little bit of the 2nd opinion post and then I got sucked in. It’s not just that you write beautifully or that you write with such humor, but perhaps what’s happening to you is like my worst fear. I have 2 little girls — 3 and almost 2 — and ever since I became a mom I’ve known fear like I never knew before becoming a mom. I fear all the bad things that could happen to them, but I fear more something happening to me, not for myself, but for them growing up without me and my husband raising two girls without their mother. I admire the grace with which you are handling this; it is inspiring. Although I’ve never met you, I wish so much for you to overcome this. I’ll be thinking of you on Monday and in the days and months that will follow.
Julie
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I read one of your post on Hacker News and reading your blog I found this article. I had a health problem called spontaneus pneumothorax, which is a lung collapse caused by some bullae on the pleura. I had it multiple times and i had a surgery on both my lungs to remove those bullae (or blebs). Doctors said that the probability of another collapse was very low, but two month ago my left lung collapsed again and I had another surgery. Furthermore the CT scan reveal that new bullae are born on the right lung, which can potential cause a new collapse in any time, but the last time I was not angry for my pneumothorax, I tried to take in in the best way.
And as you asked the CT scan, doctors feels strange when I asked them to see the video of my surgery! Yes, i convinced them to let me see the video of my surgery. Amazing experience.
Now I am back to normal life, fighting against probability (I am also out of any average in the pneumothorax statistics) of a new collapse.
I know you are fighting something bigger then pneumothorax, but reading your post I feel like we have something in common in that “Cool!” you said the doctor.
I wish you all the best.
Vick
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hey Vick, thanks, and great to hear of another person winning the fight. I was wondering if they videotaped my surgery, but I have a hard enough time watching Grey’s Anatomy now without cringing, I doubt I could watch them open up my head and not pass out.
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